Welcome to the universe’s first join toilet paper and fish fry review! What a time to be alive.
Toilet Paper
Wipe with caution
The toilet paper, which was difficult to photograph due to the strange lighting in the bathroom (and definitely not at all because I probably needed to wipe off my camera lenses), was aesthetically pleasing and highly opaque with a very nice handfeel.
I shared two pints of beer with my husband and had some water during dinner—that is to say I consumed a very normal amount of liquid prior to using the facilities. This sort of trip shouldn’t call for extra caution, but alas. Based on the toilet paper’s light heft and my innate knowledge of toilet paper absorbency, I correctly predicted that I would need more than the average pull.
And again we arrive at the reasoning for why I hate the British for cursing the world with the invention of two-ply toilet paper and and want to bang my head against the wall whenever anyone asks me about plies. This was toilet paper was a completely standard roll of two-ply. The second ply and lovely dotted circles pattern embossed all over it to add surface area should, according to all of the laws of physics, increase absorbency. But if what I experienced was increased absorbency, I do not want to know what an unembossed, single-ply sheet of this would do.
There are two classes of paper product absorbency issues:
- It’s not strong enough to handle the level of absorbency. This is where toilet paper tears, your hand gets uncomfortably wet, etc.
- It’s too strong and can’t absorb anything at all. This is most often a problem with paper towels, and you can fix that simply by folding the towel in half. Boom, absorbent.
I digress. This toilet paper was a victim of the first case. Instead of equally leveling its stats, it focused on absorbency over strength. Fortunately, it didn’t go too far in the wrong direction and is not a lost cause. It went just far enough that you will need to make up for its errors by taking more, folding it into more layers, or both.
It will not hurt you in the process of wiping though, and that’s still one of the most important aspects.
Fish Fry
Run, don’t walk, to wait in the very long line.
This portion of the review is here because Lenten fish fries are a very important tradition for me. I grew up very Catholic in a place that does not have any natural water above ground (shout out to the Ogallala Aquifer). We attended my parish’s fish fry every week of Lent, and I had no idea it wasn’t good. They served the fish equivalent of chicken nuggets with all the fries, Kraft mac and cheese, and generic brand tartar sauce that you could eat. Later in life I learned that I really like tartar sauce and the fish was just a delivery vessel. A few years after moving to the Twin Cities, I learned that fish fries exist outside of church basements. I started working my way through the annual Pioneer Press Fish Fry list in 2017, going to a different one each week. I will never make it to every single one, but it took a few years before I repeated locations and I still try to go to mostly new-to-me ones each year. I even used to write reviews of them—years before I ever had the idea for TP reviews—but those are lost to the internet now.
Anyway.
The Ukrainian American Center’s fish fry is not a traditional one. It includes pierogi and they serve jojos instead of fries, but that is what makes this my new favorite fish fry.
Cole slaw: This is an area that a lot of fish fry purveyors write off, and it shows. That was not the case at the Ukrainian American Center’s fish fry. The cole slaw was perfection. A little bit sweet, lots of red cabbage, the right amount of vinegar and pepper. I would come back just for the slaw.
Fish: I’m not sure what kind of fish or breading, but it’s best sprinkled with a bit of lemon and nothing else. The flavor was mild and quickly overpowered by a variety of tartar sauce that I did not enjoy. There was no malt vinegar, but like with the tartar sauce, I think it would take away from the fish rather than elevating it.
Jojos: I don’t know what magical spice blend they put on them, but I don’t think I’ve ever not needed equal parts ketchup and jojo until now. These ones needed no condiments and I considered asking for seconds.
Pierogi: I don’t have a good baseline for these but can confirm they are worlds better than anything you’d find at Costco.
Beer: I preferred the Chernigivske over the 1715, as it was a bit maltier. I heard a lot of good things about the stout, but I didn’t try it.
